i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
