she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
