ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
