Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
