The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
