I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
