I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
