At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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