I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
