I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
