Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
