I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
