yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
