apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
