I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
