Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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