Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
