they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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