Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
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