I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
