Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
