There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We left an ass print on the piano.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
