mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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