Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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