Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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