Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
