RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
