just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
