porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
