It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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