Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
