Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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