i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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