i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
