So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
