Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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