plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We are all done wearing pants today
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
