the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
