well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
