i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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