apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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