Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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