The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
