just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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