i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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