apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
