And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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