Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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