It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
