I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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